Are you really who you think you are?

Who are you? It may seem like a simple question, yet the answer is far more intricate. Science suggests that the inquiry may be unanswerable. Instead, consider this: who are you in a given moment? Take the case of someone who often interrupts others while they speak. The interrupter might view themselves as engaged and excited, while the person being interrupted might see them as rude.

In this case, the interrupter's intentions do not matter more than how they are perceived. According to Lisa Feldman Barrett, a University Distinguished Professor of Psychology at Northeastern University, the perception of rudeness is just as real as the interrupter's intentions. "The characteristics or traits that we think are inherent to a person are not inherent to that person," says Barrett.

"They exist to describe that person in relation to other conditions." Your personality is not as fixed as it feels. Traits such as being introverted or extroverted are not immutable aspects of a person. Instead, they are relational and context-dependent. You may be extroverted when interacting with familiar people and well-rested, but less so in a room full of strangers and hungry.

"What describes you — who you are — is highly situated," Barrett explains. "As a person, that feels inherently wrong to me. But as a scientist, it seems right." This notion challenges our common sense that we are shaped by enduring characteristics that remain constant regardless of our surroundings. Science, according to Barrett, does not support this view.

The human brain operates on patterns, and based on past statistical data, it begins to formulate an action plan for the next moment. This process, known as "meaning making," occurs predictively and largely unconsciously. "Everything you do is an act of meaning making," Barrett says. "Even asking the question, ‘Who am I?’ and creating a story is an act of meaning making."

This perception box, which shapes our sense of self, is not fixed. Instead, it is composed of fluctuating signals that your brain uses to comprehend your body's state and the environment around you. If "who we are" emerges from these interactions, it follows that other people play a role in shaping who we are, just as we influence their identities as well.

"The logical thing to carry away here is that we have more responsibility for the identities of other people than we might think," Barrett asserts. "And the people who we interact with have more influence over who we are in a moment than we might like." Therefore, one way to exert more control over our identity is to take deliberate responsibility for the people we interact with and how we engage with them.

Barrett advises her daughter, who is attending college, to seek out individuals who allow her to be her best self. "Find the people who help you to be that person," she advises. "That's the message." The video "Are you really who you think you are?" is featured in Big Think's Relational Realism series, created in partnership with Unlikely Collaborators. This series aims to help viewers challenge their perceptions and broaden their thinking.