Commentary: How I learnt to talk about infertility without sharing everything

Those undergoing fertility treatment often must explain to their employer why they require time off or why they are feeling unwell. How can they discuss their situation without disclosing every detail? Is it possible to navigate the process without revealing personal information? A recent study conducted by Thomson Medical and National University of Singapore revealed a gap in fertility knowledge among young adults in Singapore.

Only 10% of respondents answered five basic fertility questions correctly. Awareness of fertility services was also limited, with only 54% of respondents familiar with early interventions such as fertility screening. Alarmingly, up to 25% of respondents were behind their desired timelines for having children. These findings indicate a lack of understanding and complacency among those hoping to become parents, who may not consider infertility until it directly affects them.

Infertility is rarely discussed, and when it is, it is often framed as a personal failure. However, the emotional toll of infertility can be significant. When a woman experiences a miscarriage, she may withdraw from sharing the news with anyone, including her partner. In the author's case, after a miscarriage at five weeks during her third IVF attempt, she initially avoided speaking to her husband and even finding solace in a YouTube video of another couple facing a similar miscarriage during their IVF journey.

While it is important to be open, it is also essential to maintain boundaries about what is shared, with whom, and to what extent. Partners, family, and close friends can provide emotional support, while a boss or colleagues may only need to know about recurring medical appointments and possible flexibility required due to treatment or its side effects.

During the "two-week wait" after an embryo transfer, the author decided to share the news with her boss after the first trimester, just like any other woman who discovered she was pregnant. However, if she had disclosed her involvement in IVF, she might have faced the question, "So, have you found out yet?" Despite well-intentioned questions coming from a good place, they can feel like added pressure for those undergoing fertility treatment.

When others share their experiences with fertility treatments, such as a friend conceiving on the first try or a cousin achieving better results through IUI, those going through fertility treatment may not gain encouragement. Instead, they are left feeling uncertain and unsupported. By sharing personal experiences, we can help others better understand the diverse fertility journeys that exist.

For example, the author's former boss introduced her to another IVF patient who had undergone seven IVF cycles across different countries before conceiving naturally naturally. Opening up about infertility can also help others become more proactive about family planning and encourage colleagues and managers to be more understanding of the need for time off due to fertility treatments without requiring detailed explanations.

Ultimately, discussing infertility should become as commonplace as talking about a chronic health condition.