Why more women carry the 'mental load' - and how couples can share it

Mum-of-three Stacie Matthias shares that she constantly feels overwhelmed by a mental to-do list, which includes planning, organizing, remembering and anticipating tasks to keep a household running. This burden disproportionately falls on women in heterosexual couples, particularly mothers, alongside the bulk of physical household labour.

The mental load is a concept that has gained popularity on forums like Reddit and Mumsnet, where women discuss how to communicate the exhaustion of managing so many responsibilities to their partners.

Studies suggest clear patterns in heterosexual relationships, with mothers handling 71% of household tasks that require mental effort, according to a survey involving 3,000 US parents. These tasks include keeping track of when items need to be washed, remembering when food in the fridge should be consumed, and planning meals and shopping lists. In contrast, fathers handle many episodic tasks, such as remembering when to get the car serviced.

The mental load is described as invisible, enduring, and without boundaries, as it follows individuals throughout their daily lives. This cognitive drain can lead to poor sleep, irritability, and decision fatigue. Anita Cleare, parenting expert and author of The Work/Parent Switch, explains that the overall cognitive drain spills over into work lives, causing unsustainable burnout. Women often choose to reduce their career commitments to alleviate the domestic and mental load.

The disparity in household responsibilities is believed to originate from maternity leave, where women typically take longer than fathers for paternity leave. Mothers often become the default parent, knowing everything and having done everything in the past, leading them to remain central figures even after returning to work. In the UK, mothers can take up to 52 weeks of statutory maternity leave, while fathers can take up to two weeks of leave with statutory paternity pay.