The hidden reason you're enjoying sex less, and how to reconnect

For years, many individuals have sought treatment at my clinic, expressing concerns about their sexual experiences. The issues they mention vary widely, ranging from a decrease in desire to erectile problems, pain during intercourse, difficulty attaining orgasm, or a sense that sex no longer brings satisfaction. Upon speaking with these individuals, I aim to grasp the bigger picture: What was their previous sexual relationship like?

What changes have occurred over time? How have these changes impacted them personally and their relationship?

In most cases, I find that the issue isn't solely related to sexuality itself. Rather, it often stems from the expectations people place upon themselves. They worry about questions such as: Am I sufficient for her? Is our sexual encounter lasting enough? Am I lasting long enough? Does she find me attractive? Was I able to please her?

And so on. Essentially, rather than being fully present in the experience, they become preoccupied with their perceived performance during sex. They evaluate themselves based on performance rather than sensation, connection, and pleasure.

This mindset is a reflection of the sexual culture we live in today. One such phenomenon is known as spectatoring – the act of observing and evaluating oneself during sexual activity instead of fully immersing in the experience. Research shows that people who repeatedly focus on themselves and their sexual performance tend to feel heightened pressure during sex, resulting in less pleasure and, in some instances, sexual dysfunction.

In a culture that teaches us to gauge sexuality based on performance, it becomes easier to become our own harshest critic rather than actively participating in an intimate, connecting moment.

The sexual script most people follow is shaped by various sources, including movies, television, social media, friends' descriptions, messages about sexuality, and pornography. These influences create a belief system about what "good" sex should look like: it begins spontaneously, quickly transitions to intercourse, and concludes with orgasm and a sense of accomplishment.

However, this performance-centered script often misses the essence of connection. It overlooks authentic experiences like embarrassment or emotional overwhelm triggered by physical touch, bursts of emotion such as laughter or tears, and sexual communication that focuses on the inner experience being created instead of how long one lasts or how to perform oral sex.

In contrast, a script centered around connection allows individuals to express their desires and set boundaries when needed. It empowers them to say things like "Let's take a moment," "Let's slow things down," or "Today, I just want us to spend a lot of time kissing." By recreating the pornographic script instead of creating authentic love-making experiences, one risks distancing themselves from the actual experience, leading to less presence, attentiveness, and emotional and intimate connection.

Sexuality is a meeting between two people and exists within the context of a relationship. Making love is not a different kind of sex; it is a different experience by choice. It focuses on the quality of the connection between two people, the ability to respond to each other's body or emotional needs in the moment, and feeling safe enough to be authentic, even in moments of vulnerability.

This connection can take various forms, such as slow, sensual sex, French kissing, gentle caresses, sustained eye contact, or simply staying with whatever is happening without rushing to the next stage. Making love is defined by the quality of the connection between two people, the ability to listen to each other's bodies and emotions, and the feeling of safety to be authentic, even in moments of vulnerability.