‘Mom, what is sex?’: How to answer children’s hardest questions without lying

Children possess an impressive ability to ask challenging questions at times when parents feel least equipped to provide answers. These inquiries can range from topics such as sex to more complex subjects like divorce, death, or even the sound of an air-raid siren. Parents may grasp the subject matter themselves, yet still grapple with finding the right words to convey it to a young child.

Yael Feder, a well-known figure in Israel for her children's book and stage production "My Body Belongs Only to Me," has penned her debut guide for parents, titled "Making the Complicated Simple." A 53-year-old mother of four from Even Yehuda, Feder is a social worker, actress, director, educational content creator, and entrepreneur.

Her book aims to provide practical tools for discussing difficult subjects with children in a way that is simple, honest, and does not overwhelm them.

Before delving into a delicate conversation, Feder advises parents to first identify the purpose of the discussion. Is the objective to answer a question, provide information, or alleviate a fear? It is also essential for parents to ensure they themselves understand the topic at hand. If they are not experts in everything, it is perfectly acceptable to pause when a child surprises them with a question.

A parent can respond with phrases like, "That is a very smart question. I am going to think about it" or "I will check and come back to you." The key is to follow up with the child later instead of waiting for the question to fade away.

Understanding the family's cultural background, values, and worldview is also crucial, as these may vary from other families or the child's school. Most importantly, the explanation must be adapted to the individual child, taking into account their age, emotional development, and personality. Feder emphasizes that the aim is to create a bridge between the available information and the child, rather than simply waiting for the child to initiate the conversation.

Everyday situations can serve as opportunities to initiate discussions, such as observing someone using a wheelchair, meeting someone who is blind or autistic, experiencing pregnancy and birth, moving to a new home, or going through a parental separation.

Feder suggests viewing the situation from the child's perspective. Often, parents use abstract or overly sophisticated language, while the child requires a simplified version of the truth. Striking the right balance between protecting children and informing them about the world can be challenging, and careful mediation is essential.

One of Feder's key techniques involves returning the question to the child. For instance, when a child asks where babies come from, a parent might begin by asking, "How do you think babies come into the world?" This approach encourages the child to think while also revealing what they already know and what they are actually seeking.

It can prevent parents from delivering information that the child did not ask for or is not ready to hear.

Another technique, which Feder refers to as the "tower of insights," involves providing one small answer at a time and adding more information as the child continues to ask questions. For example, when her daughter once inquired about the meaning of "sex," Feder simply replied, "Mom and Dad go into a room, close the door, and have a special kind of hug."

If the child had asked what a "special hug" meant, Feder could have offered another brief, age-appropriate explanation. The objective is not to provide all available information at once, as some children may respond with, "OK, I understand," and cease the conversation, while others may persist in asking further questions. At some point, parents may acknowledge that they have discussed enough for today, or that certain information belongs to the adult world.

Setting this boundary can help prevent information overload and teach the child that not all material is intended for their age.

Feder also encourages the use of imagery to make abstract ideas more comprehensible. To explain concepts like thoughts, parents can employ visual aids such as clouds and sunshine. A cloud can represent a heavy or sad thought, while sunshine symbolizes a warm or pleasant one. A parent can then pose a question like, "Are you having a cloud thought or a sunshine thought?"

By preparing a child for situations like surgery, Feder advises parents to present a simple sequence of events. This can include arriving at the hospital early, meeting a nurse, changing into hospital clothing, and undergoing examinations. Providing information can instill a sense of control in the child. Parents should also identify what the child can choose, such as selecting a toy, blanket, or other familiar object to bring along.

At the hospital, medical staff may allow the child to pick the color of a mask or bandage, offering small choices that can restore a measure of control in an intimidating situation.

Parents should also inquire about what specifically frightens the child. A general fear of surgery may actually stem from a particular concern, such as pain, separation from a parent, or uncertainty about waking up. Feder warns against offering false reassurance when a child asks whether something will hurt. Instead of promising, "Do not worry, it will not hurt," parents can say, "It might hurt. If it does, tell me, and I will ask the doctors to give you something to help."