Men weren’t always “bad at friendship”

Male friendships throughout history have been characterized by deep emotional bonds, often between men who are considered soulmates. Aristotle, in his writings, identified these as the "perfect" friendships, contrasting them with the more convenient, less profound relationships that women typically form. A notable example is the friendship between David and Jonathan in the Bible, and Achilles and Patroclus in Homer's Iliad. These relationships were highly valued and considered enduring.

However, the historian Tiffany Watt Smith points out that the perception of men as the best friends has shifted over time. She explains that in earlier centuries, men were seen as the experts in forming intimate friendships, but this perspective began to change in the 18th and 19th centuries. During this period, there was a growing distinction between public and private spheres, with men encouraged to be more rational and women associated with emotion and intimacy.

This shift also saw a rise in the idealized portrayal of romantic friendships, although these did not necessarily involve physical intimacy. The tombstone of two 16th-century doctors in Cambridge, who lived together and were buried together, is a testament to this cultural shift. The tombstone, which resembled a conventional husband-wife tomb, suggests that such friendships were widely accepted and celebrated.

Smith emphasizes that the concept of friendship is highly individualized and requires negotiation between individuals, with no fixed rules. The transformation in how male friendships were viewed and celebrated reflects broader societal changes, including the increasing separation of public and private spheres and the evolving ideals of femininity in the West.