What I Lost to Shock Therapy—And What I Got Back
The treatment forced me to ask: Without the stories of who I’d been, who might I become?
In 2021, the narrator found themselves in a year-long descent into despair. They turned to various antidepressants, including SSRIs, SNRIs, tricyclics, and tetracyclics, and ultimately underwent intravenous ketamine therapy. Despite these treatments, the narrator struggled to find relief from their depression. Aware of the myths surrounding electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), they consented to participate in the treatment, believing it to be a sterile and safe option.
They knew the myths about ECT were false, but also understood that prolonged treatment, especially with more intense forms of ECT, could potentially impair memory. The narrator, who had experienced severe memory loss due to depression, accepted the risk of memory loss in exchange for the possibility of a better future. They understood that depression often causes the loss of episodic memory, making it difficult to form new memories and recall older ones.
This memory loss can be attributed to a weakened hippocampus, which is less capable of consolidating short-term memories into long-term ones. For the narrator, the blurred days and loss of memory created a feedback loop that deepened their despair, making it even harder to envision a future and maintain a sense of self.
Written by urgent.news from The Atlantic's reporting — not their text. Machine-written — may contain errors; check the original before relying on it.
