‘I perfected deception’: My secret life as a relapsed alcoholic | Meghan O'Gieblyn
Everyone knew about my years of addiction, the dangers I had put myself in. The second time around, after 11 years sober, not even my husband knew I am finding it very hard to write about my return to drinking. This is unexpected, given that I spent more than 10 years identifying as an alcoholic and narrating, from the podiums of church basements, the most shameful and unflattering moments of my…
My name is Meghan O Gieblyn, and I recently relapsed into alcoholism. For over a decade, I had been sober, sharing my struggles and relapse with the world. However, convincing myself to return to drinking was a deeply personal and complex journey. Initially, I felt that my drinking was contextual, that my 20s had been a particularly challenging time, and that my late 30s would be different.
However, I later realized that my sobriety was a narrative construct I had imbued with reality and substance for years. It was a flawed assumption that my thoughts were not real and could not hurt me or have any effect on the world. I had been so focused on the hypothetical that I failed to see the threat until I had already acted.
It was during a trip to Helsinki in the middle of winter, where I warmed up at a Christmas market selling both alcoholic and non-alcoholic glögi, a traditional mulled wine. I approached a vendor, took a sip of the non-alcoholic drink, and then drank half of it before leaving. This act was a split-second decision, and I attempted to convince myself it was a misunderstanding.
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