Books Insider: A conversation on the death of conversations
Vanessa Van Edwards, author of "Conversation," explains why small talk feels exhausting and what how people can build meaningful connections.
America is grappling with a "silent epidemic": a connection crisis, according to best-selling author Vanessa Van Edwards. In her new book, "Conversation: How to Connect with Anyone and Make Every Interaction Count," Van Edwards argues that we are spending less time talking to people and more time chatting with chatbots and agents. The share of US adults who say they have no close friends increased from 3% in 1990 to 12% in 2023.
Van Edwards, a behavioral researcher with over a million Instagram followers, aims to help us reconnect. In her book, she outlines three ascending levels of conversation. At Level 1, the goal is to put people at ease by turning conversation into a treasure hunt. Instead of asking "What do you do?" ask "What do you like to do?" Lead with stories, not facts, and don't be afraid to add flair or "conversational confetti." To listen well, tilt your head slightly to one side, exposing your neck and ear.
At Level 2, we connect deeply by sharing and building each other's dreams. Avoid being skeptical of someone's aspirations and instead express enthusiasm. If you don't love their dream, remain curious rather than doubtful. At Level 3, we create rare relationships built on mutual insight, not just mutual interests. When done well, Level 3 conversations create deep, meaningful connections.
Van Edwards shares her own experience, having once lost a big career opportunity due to nerves. She now helps students move away from old conversational habits that kill connection. By asking questions like "How exhausting is it to make small talk?" she helps people recognize the exhaustion of trying to be impressive rather than authentic. Van Edwards emphasizes the importance of asking for stories, not just facts, to create doorways for connection.
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