Emotionally intelligent people use 3 short phrases to stop getting defensive and strengthen their relationships
How do I handle the feeling of getting defensive ? That’s the question we discussed recently in my emotional intelligence community. A member (we’ll call her Raven) shared how she noticed the same pattern develop over and over at work. “Someone will say something,” Raven said. “And it triggers big feelings. Almost immediately, I start mentally assembling a bullet list of all the ways the…
Dealing with defensiveness is a common challenge, even for those with high emotional intelligence. Often, the feeling of getting defensive arises when someone's actions or words trigger strong emotions, leading to a rapid mental process of identifying faults or defending oneself. Understanding the root cause of these feelings is crucial. For example, someone may feel misunderstood, marginalized, or unsupported. This realization marks the first step in addressing defensiveness.
The next question is how to manage these feelings when they arise. Here are three simple phrases that can help:
1. "They don't know": This phrase acknowledges that others might not fully understand the situation from your perspective. It suggests that dwelling on their unawareness is unproductive.
2. "I don't know": This phrase takes a humble approach, recognizing that you may not fully understand the other person's viewpoint or experiences. It emphasizes the importance of empathy and the fact that everyone has different perspectives and backgrounds.
3. "They don't know what it's like to be me": This phrase reinforces the idea that others may lack the same personal experiences or challenges you face. It encourages the listener to approach the situation with compassion and patience.
By using these phrases, you can help prevent defensiveness from escalating and instead foster a more empathetic and understanding conversation. This approach can strengthen relationships, as it demonstrates a willingness to listen, learn, and find solutions together.
Written by urgent.news from Fast Company's reporting — not their text. Machine-written — may contain errors; check the original before relying on it.
