‘Rohan called me an idiot!’ How can parents handle squabbles between kids?

The school holidays often bring more squabbles between siblings, as there is longer time together, less structure, and more sharing of toys, screens, space, and parental attention. When faced with a dispute, like Rohan calling Alice an idiot, it's best not to intervene immediately to ensure safety. Instead, children should be given the chance to resolve conflicts themselves, as research shows they learn best when adults provide minimal support and encourage self-resolution.

It's crucial to be nearby and available but not step in every time. Only intervene if the situation escalates or is one-sided. When you are pulled into a disagreement, resist running a court case. Instead, focus on building your children's empathy and conflict resolution skills. It's important to focus on the feelings behind the dispute rather than demanding an immediate apology, as most children will only give a genuine apology if they feel understood.

Validate each child's point of view and acknowledge that everyone's perspectives and feelings matter. This is known as emotion coaching, which treats feelings as opportunities for connection and learning. If everyone's too upset to discuss the fight, it's better to pause the activity and take a break. Children learn best when they feel heard, so it's essential to remember to come back and debrief when everyone is calm.

This is where the learning happens. Children who come up with the solution themselves are more likely to keep to it. For example, setting up a "break" activity in advance can help prevent fights during certain activities. Finally, children learn to manage conflict by observing their parents. By modeling repair, such as admitting mistakes and apologizing, parents can help their children learn to own up to their errors, become more vulnerable, and make amends.