In My Dreams
In meditation and mysticism, I looked for ways to talk about experiences I couldn’t understand.
At the age of twenty, the narrator began to feel an unsettling emptiness within themselves. This sensation was not due to any identifiable medical issue, yet it felt substantial and peculiar. The emptiness seemed to grow, causing the narrator to lose more of their identity and become increasingly susceptible to others' opinions and reckless behavior.
One night, under the influence, the narrator drove recklessly, disregarding the potential consequences. The cause of this emotional turmoil appeared to be tied to their childhood in some inexplicable way. Their friends noticed the change in their behavior, and a girlfriend ended the relationship due to the narrator's erratic mood swings and despair.
Even sleep became fraught with terrifying dreams of catastrophic events, including holes swallowing the narrator. Seeking help, the narrator turned to a friend who recommended the book "The Seven Storey Mountain" by Thomas Merton, which discussed similar feelings of emptiness and a yearning for a deeper purpose. However, the narrator found Merton's spiritual solution to their problems unsatisfactory.
In their struggle, the narrator was drawn to "Freud’s The Interpretation of Dreams," which provided a framework for understanding their dreams and inner turmoil. By keeping a detailed nightly log of their dreams, the narrator began to uncover deeper insights and a sense of connection to their inner world. This journey led the narrator to explore other psychoanalysts, mystics, and their works, ultimately helping them to better understand and navigate their emotional state.
Written by urgent.news from The Atlantic's reporting — not their text. Machine-written — may contain errors; check the original before relying on it.
