Pay No Attention to the Russian Oligarch Standing Behind the Wedding Party
He’s just there to foot the bill.
Welcome to the wedding weekend, where an intimate gathering of family, dear friends, and a Russian oligarch remains shrouded in mystery. The bride and groom will both wear white, while the elusive oligarch dons camouflage, just in case someone catches him on camera and ProPublica exposes his identity. Our plan is to portray him as a tropical plant or claim he performed close-up magic.
This lavish celebration, sponsored by this shadowy figure from Vladimir Putin's delegation to China, is not an after-party but a pre-planned weekend filled with joy and festivity.
Some may question the ethics of having a friend of Putin pay for this lavish event, but we remind those skeptics that friendship is not always clear-cut. This generous man spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on our post-wedding celebration, a fact that even Eric Trump admits he knows little about. The Supreme Court has declared that money is speech, and we have chosen to interpret this as an opportunity to build connections with influential individuals.
To those who worry about the president potentially having special favors for his offspring's wedding, rest assured that this situation is far from The Godfather. The president does not owe any favors to anyone present at his son's wedding, and it's considered bad luck to do so. The attorney general, Todd Blanche, has stated that there is no cause for concern. After all, corruption is only a problem when it stems from the Biden family.
This extravagant wedding celebration is just one more example of the little details that make each event unique. From bridesmaids getting their hair and makeup done to the best man rushing to finish his toast, and finally, the oligarch handing out unmarked bills to entertainers, every American can relate to these familiar wedding traditions. So, if you're wondering what to bring to our wedding, remember that we have no gifts to accept, unless you are the Russian oligarch, in which case, $TRUMP coin is most welcome.
Written by urgent.news from The Atlantic's reporting — not their text. Machine-written — may contain errors; check the original before relying on it.
