The strange grief of not wanting kids

Mingaile Kieraite reflects on the peculiar feeling of not wanting children. She recalls how, as her family and friends became parents, she felt like an outsider, not invited to join the exclusive club of parenthood. Kieraite, at 33, had long harbored no intense desire to become a parent herself. However, as she gained more control over her own life, she began to contemplate her true wishes.

And it was in her 20s that something unexpected occurred: as her favorite podcast and YouTube personalities announced they were expecting children, Kieraite experienced a strange mix of sadness and even jealousy. She wondered if she should follow suit, trying to imagine what parenthood might be like. The pleasant aspects of being a parent, such as feeling useful and having companionship, immediately came to mind, while the early mornings and sacrifice of free time remained out of reach.

Despite her firm stance against having children, Kieraite still felt a sense of loss for an experience she would never have. This phenomenon is not uncommon, as major life decisions often bring with them a complex sense of grief. The finality of choices like having children or turning down a job offer can evoke feelings of self-doubt and the "what if" scenario.

Accepting one's current reality means letting go of what could have been. The number of American adults who do not want children has been rising, with 47 percent of non-parents under 50 saying they are unlikely to have kids, up from 37 percent in 2018. However, they often find themselves in a culture that celebrates parenthood and family, making it difficult for the childfree to find acceptance.

Women aged 30 to 50 who remain childfree are a minority, accounting for only around 20 percent of adults in their 50s and 60s. Cultural messaging and social rituals surrounding marriage and child-rearing, such as weddings and baby showers, reinforce the idea that having children is the norm and a milestone worth celebrating. This can lead to feelings of FOMO (fear of missing out) or profound loss for those who have chosen not to have children.

Despite making a deliberate choice, childfree people may experience grief, a longing to be seen and included in the collective experience of parenthood. While there are more adults who do not want children than ever before, a stigma remains. Society often views those who choose not to have children, particularly women, as selfish, callous, lonely, and potentially regretful.

There is no corresponding ritual to celebrate the life one builds by choosing not to have children, leaving many feeling unseen and misunderstood. Some individuals, like Holly, a 46-year-old with advanced degrees, feel that their decision to remain childfree is not adequately acknowledged or celebrated by their loved ones. The glorification of traditional milestones can further perpetuate the stereotype that women are only worthy if they marry and have children.