I attempted to institute a ‘no-shame’ rule in my work, and it was a lot harder than I expected

I recently embarked on an experiment to eliminate the negative self-talk that often plagues my workdays. It proved to be far more challenging than anticipated. Every time I experience an unproductive day, my mind inundates me with a barrage of discouraging thoughts, urging me to get up earlier, streamline my morning routine, and maintain an unwavering commitment to my schedule.

These voices reinforce the notion that my productivity is directly linked to how diligently I adhere to my calendar, regardless of any unforeseen circumstances that may arise. While I acknowledge the detrimental impact of these self-critical thoughts, I find myself resenting the additional mental effort required to combat them. In an attempt to find a solution, I delved into an article about "cozy entrepreneurship," where the concept of eliminating shame was introduced.

The idea was to refrain from allowing harsh internal voices to dictate my actions and decisions. Initially, I found this approach relatively straightforward, as long as I managed to prioritize essential elements such as adequate sleep, physical activity, proper nutrition, and social connections. Under these favorable conditions, I typically felt more productive and less susceptible to the influence of negative self-talk.

However, when life's unforeseen challenges intervened, such as a restless night's sleep, illness, longer-than-anticipated appointments, or delays in public transportation, the task of practicing self-compassion became significantly more arduous. My logical reasoning tells me that these moments necessitate a compassionate approach, yet my internal dialogue often intervenes, prompting me to dismiss excuses and maintain an unyielding focus on productivity.

The underlying issue here is that shame does not manifest as prominently in other facets of my life, such as my health or relationships. Throughout my life, I have made concerted efforts to cultivate self-compassion in these areas, which has yielded positive outcomes. My relationships have deepened, and I have successfully maintained consistent routines concerning sleep, nutrition, and exercise for an extended period.

Yet, when it comes to work, I have not cultivated the same level of self-compassion, often berating myself when I fall short of my expectations. To gain further insight into this discrepancy, I reached out to Lydia Woodyatt, a psychology professor at Flinders University in Adelaide, Australia. She emphasized that the goal should not be to eradicate shame entirely but rather to treat it as a signal rather than an innate emotion.

According to Woodyatt, shame serves as our body's way of alerting us to potential risks of social devaluation or exclusion, often triggered by a violation of shared group norms or a perceived breach of societal expectations. In the context of my work, Woodyatt pointed out that being a freelancer and highly autonomous individual intensifies the pressure and elevates the stakes, as my work is constantly subject to public scrutiny.

Furthermore, Woodyatt highlighted the significance of identity in perpetuating shame. When one's self-worth is so closely tied to a specific aspect of life, the setback or failure in that area can feel catastrophic. To address this issue, she advocates reframing the situation away from an all-or-nothing mindset. Instead of succumbing to shame, one should focus on repairing the situation and reinforcing the values that were violated.

For instance, if a misunderstanding or conflict has led to feelings of shame, instead of dwelling on the past, one can ask themselves how to rectify the situation and reinforce the values that were compromised. Drawing from Woodyatt's advice, I have come to realize that rather than attempting to eliminate shame altogether, I must engage in a conversation with it.

While shame may seem unwarranted when faced with the directive to refrain from social exclusion due to arbitrary productivity standards, it is crucial to recognize that shame lacks any capacity for response. Moreover, I often consider how my high-achieving friends would approach me in such a situation. They would likely remind me that a single unproductive day does not define my worth and that harboring self-criticism does not contribute to resolving the issue.

Research consistently indicates that holding onto perfectionistic standards hinders performance rather than enhancing it. By relinquishing these unrealistic expectations, one can experience improved performance without the burden of excessive self-criticism.