When Did It Become So Hard to Make Plans With Friends?
We don’t have to say yes to Tuesday night, but somehow, over time, we need to say yes to the relationship, writes Meehika Barua.
In recent times, making plans with friends has become increasingly challenging, according to an article. The author, reflecting on her own experiences, has found herself annoyed by small breaches in friendship etiquette. She mentions feeling slighted when a friend cancels dinner plans without suggesting another date, or when two friends start hanging out without her. The author wonders if she is holding her friends to outdated social norms.
Dr. Jeff Katzman, a psychiatrist, explains that an invitation is not just a logistical matter but a small relational bid, similar to "I'd like to spend time with you. Would you like to spend time with me?" When that second part is missing, ambiguity arises, and people fill in the blanks based on their attachment to the person. Katzman also highlights that we often infer other people's minds from small behavioral cues, leading to negative assumptions about their intentions.
The author shares a personal anecdote where two friends reached out to her on the same day, remembering a date she had previously mentioned. This example illustrates good social hygiene and the importance of keeping friendships healthy. When initiating new friendships, the author pays close attention to whether the person regularly cancels plans or is capable of investing in the relationship.
The concept of reciprocity is crucial in friendships, but it does not necessarily mean symmetry. Katzman suggests that healthy friendships have a give-and-take dynamic, where friends build a scene together rather than expecting identical contributions from each other. He emphasizes that friendships require a mutual commitment of time, and the amount of effort varies depending on life circumstances.
Dr. Katzman compares friendship to improvisational theater, where one person initiates an offer, and the other person responds. He suggests asking oneself, "If I stopped doing all the work of maintaining this friendship, would a friendship still exist?" This question can help assess the strength of a friendship. The author even draws concentric circles in her journal to visualize the different types of connections she has with her friends, helping her understand that not everyone can maintain intense relationships with all their acquaintances.
Ultimately, the author appreciates her friends for who they are and recognizes that maintaining hundreds of close friendships is unrealistic. Instead, she values the meaningful relationships in her life and focuses on nurturing those connections.
Written by urgent.news from Time's reporting — not their text. Machine-written — may contain errors; check the original before relying on it.
