Most marriages collapse from unrealistic expectations – Islamic scholars

Islamic scholars and counsellors in Ogun State have cautioned against entering marriage without proper preparation, warning that most marital breakdowns stem from ignorance and unrealistic expectations. This warning was delivered during a conference on Islamic Marital Reform held in Abeokuta, Nigeria. Experts from the Ogun Shariah Arbitration Committee presented data from over 200 marital disputes they handled since 2018.

The conference, themed 'Knowledge, Responsibility, Mercy and Justice in Building Healthy Homes,' gathered Islamic scholars, legal practitioners, government officials, counsellors, and married couples from across Nigeria. Dr Afiz Musa, a member of the Shariah Arbitration Committee, shared anonymised cases illustrating recurring issues such as lack of mutual understanding, confusion over roles, and couples delaying intervention until problems escalate.

Dr Musa explained that separating leadership from responsibility can lead to oppression within homes, while delayed intervention may allow manageable disagreements to develop into serious marital conflicts. Sulaimon Ogunmuyiwa, Director of Quality Assurance at the Lagos State Ministry of Education, countered the notion that a marriage's strength lies in the absence of disagreements, instead emphasizing the importance of how couples handle and resolve them.

He warned that couples lacking conflict-resolution skills may let minor disagreements fester, leading to prolonged silence, third-party interference, and threats of divorce.

The conference also unveiled a new program, 'Certificate in Islamic Marriage and Pre-Marriage Studies,' aimed at equipping couples with understanding and skills to build resilient families. Siddeeqah Tunde-Lawal, a Fellow of the Institute of Arbitrators and Conciliators, highlighted a "rights-only" approach to marriage as a common challenge, noting that spouses often focus too much on what they are entitled to receive without considering their own responsibilities.

Misconceptions such as equating marital leadership with dictatorship and viewing counselling solely as a crisis response were also addressed.

Ogun State's Olowu, Oba Saka Matemilola, praised the state government for maintaining the Shariah arbitration system as a tool for peace and dispute resolution among Muslim families. He urged attendees to implement the conference's solutions and assured the state Muslim Council would collaborate with the League of Imams to safeguard the welfare of Muslim families in the region.

Delegates called for integrating marital ethics into Islamic school curricula and establishing referral networks that include mental health professionals.