El Jalapeño: Puerto Vallarta crocodiles request civil restraint, propose designated zones for humans

All stories in El Jalapeño are satirical and not factual. In Puerto Vallarta, members of the local crocodile community held a rare meeting to discuss the increasing number of humans moving into their habitats. Speaking for around 350 of their kind, El Gordo, a spokesperson for the crocodiles, expressed worry over the recent rise in human encounters, saying it is an unsustainable result of uncontrolled resort construction and poor urban planning.

There have already been eleven confirmed deaths of crocodiles in the area in recent weeks, leading to the founding of a coalition to prevent further conflicts. "We have lived in these wetlands for generations, adapting to seasonal rains with a calm, predictable lifestyle," said the spokesperson, with the help of an approved environmental interpreter.

"But every summer, hundreds of untrained humans arrive, disregarding signs and enter our dining areas. We are simply asking for some basic boundaries." This statement follows reports from Jalisco's Ministry of Environment and Territorial Development (Semadet) that have shown a rise in interactions between humans and Crocodylus acutus, or American crocodiles.

State officials have attributed this to rainfall, but the crocodile coalition believes the main cause is human disregard for the established rules of living with wildlife. To reduce tensions, the reptile group has suggested several policy changes to the municipal government. These include creating areas where only humans are allowed, making mandatory educational programs for beach visitors about estuary systems, and enforcing a ban on night-time self-portraits near river deltas.

El Gordo added, "We do not want to harm the local economy, but if people continue to venture into protected mangroves at dusk, we must insist on safety measures. Respect must be mutual." The municipal government has responded by planning to put up standardized warning flags and increase security patrols in areas where many people are active.

The crocodile representatives have also said they will keep watching coastal activities, and they remain hopeful that both species can live together peacefully if everyone is careful and stays out of each other's way.