When 'but they're your family' isn't reason enough to stay

Throughout history, people have used expressions like "She's your mom" and "They're your family" to emphasize the importance of preserving family ties, regardless of circumstances. These idioms encapsulate the societal expectation that biological and legal family bonds should remain unbroken at all costs. This notion is formally termed "compulsory kinship," a concept explored by Rin Reczek and Emma Bosley-Smith in their 2022 book "Families We Keep: LGBTQ People and Their Enduring Bonds with Parents."

The authors examined the significant efforts adult children often undertake to maintain strained or painful connections with their birth families.

Reczek, a professor of sociology at The Ohio State University, and Bosley-Smith, a recent Ohio State doctoral graduate now at Alma College, conducted a comprehensive study on family estrangement. Their follow-up book, "Families We Lose: A New Explanation for Family Estrangement," delves into what happens when adult children decide that family obligation is no longer a valid reason to stay connected.

Generally, their research indicates that adult children who choose "no contact" with one or both parents view estrangement as a last resort, enabling them to form a chosen family environment that better suits their needs.

Reczek has spent about two decades exploring intricate family dynamics. Initially, she was taken aback by the scarcity of scholarly literature on family estrangement during her research for "Families We Keep." Moreover, when scrutinizing contemporary cultural discussions around adult children distancing themselves from their families—spanning news, podcasts, and social media—the dominant narrative often conveyed a sense of alarm and stigmatization. Reczek posits that family estrangement represents a new wave in a long line of "family panics."

For instance, the rise in divorce rates during the 1970s saw a wave of panic surrounding the possible decline of the family unit. Despite popular belief, there is no empirical data to suggest that estrangement rates are currently surging. Reczek emphasizes that the public nature of these decisions can lead people to misconstrue estrangement as the end of familial life.

According to Reczek's research, approximately 6% of U.S. adults are estranged from their mothers, while roughly 23% are estranged from their fathers at some point in adulthood. However, there is no empirical evidence to back up the claim that estrangement rates are on the rise. As family life evolves in the 24/7 content-driven era, private decisions are increasingly being portrayed as the collapse of family life as Americans know it.

Reczek argues that the panic surrounding estrangement is inappropriate because it suggests that the shift in how people perceive family is solely detrimental to society. She notes that estrangement has been a recurring theme throughout history and that the public nature of these decisions might be causing public unease. Traditional expectations dictate that parents should care for their children during their formative years, and as adults grow older, the roles should reverse, with children caring for their aged parents.

Estrangement disrupts this reciprocal relationship, causing emotional distress for parents who may feel betrayed by their children's decision to distance themselves.