How our upbringing shapes our ideas of success. Why that matters and what to do about it
One of the things that continues to surprise me about executive coaching is how often conversations about work become conversations about family. Clients rarely come in wanting to talk about their parents. They want to decide whether to take a promotion, how to navigate a difficult boss, become more effective leaders, or determine why they’re burned out. Family history almost never makes the…
The influence of our upbringing on our perception of success is a topic that often surfaces in executive coaching sessions. Clients typically approach coaching to make career decisions or navigate work-related challenges, but often find themselves reflecting on their family background. This is not because their family presents an active problem, but because many of the assumptions about success and responsibility are rooted in their early experiences.
A recent session with a client exemplifies this phenomenon. She was torn between accepting a promotion and questioned whether this decision would align with the kind of person she aspired to be. This hesitation stemmed from an internal standard she could not name, which she believed was tied to her parents' upbringing. Her father had built a successful career and worked long hours, while her mother worked part-time and juggled multiple responsibilities.
The client admired her upbringing but found herself evaluating new opportunities against a blueprint she had inherited, rather than one she consciously chose. This inheritance extends beyond values to encompass definitions of success, responsibility, and what constitutes hard work, dependability, and being "good enough." These inherited definitions often operate beneath conscious awareness, shaping decision-making without our realizing it.
Once we become aware of these inherited beliefs, they become more apparent, influencing our professional lives in ways that may not initially seem related to our work. The client's hesitation was not about work-life balance, but rather a fear of betraying the emotional experience she had in her childhood. By examining the root of her concerns, she discovered a deeper desire to create the same emotional environment she experienced as a child for her own children.
This realization shifted her focus from the work-related decision to a more profound goal of fulfilling an emotional need for her family. It highlights how deeply ingrained our family's definitions of success can be, often manifesting as perfectionism, burnout, or difficulty setting boundaries in the workplace. Recognizing these patterns can help us question whether our current pursuits truly align with our personal values or if they are merely echoes of our parents' experiences.
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