El Jalapeño: US enacts emergency guacamole rationing protocol following brief avocado import pause

Washington — Federal officials convened an emergency meeting to create guidelines for the dwindling stockpiles of pre-prepared guacamole. This came after the U.S. Department of Agriculture temporarily halted inspections in Michoacán, cutting off the flow of the beloved ingredient. Almost immediately, commercial supply chains reported critical shortages, leading to what experts called a "guacamole shortfall."

A new government protocol was introduced to deal with the issue. Restaurants have been told to reduce tableside guacamole by up to 40%, substituting it with ingredients like sour cream or diced vegetables. The standard serving of guacamole on fajitas has been reduced from two scoops to one teaspoon. Panic buying was seen in Midwest grocery stores, with some customers seeking out odd substitutes like green Doritos or lawn clippings mixed with lime juice.

Calls were made to emergency services, asking if artificial guacamole was acceptable. With the potential return of avocado imports, the dire situation may not be as severe as initially feared.