What to Say to Someone Who Is Dying, According to Hospice Workers

When a loved one is facing the end of their life, the words we choose to say can provide comfort and a sense of closure. Hospice workers offer guidance on how to approach these conversations, emphasizing that the most important thing is to be present and available. Dr. Ira Byock, a palliative care physician, advises not to wait for the perfect moment to visit a seriously ill friend or relative, but to go when they invite you.

Hospice nurse Hadley Vlahos also stresses the importance of making the trip as soon as possible, as the window for meaningful conversations often closes before families anticipate.

Hospice nurse Christine Davies, who has worked in hospitals for over 25 years, recommends beginning care earlier rather than waiting for the end, so there is ample time for significant discussions. Dr. Kate Brazzale, the chief medical officer of a Florida nonprofit hospice network, suggests starting care as soon as a diagnosis is received, as the person who is dying needs to be able to respond and speak. Sudden deaths may not allow for a chance to say goodbye, so it's important to express those feelings continuously.

When entering the room, Byock suggests starting with an obvious and genuine statement, such as "It's really good to see you" or "I've been thinking about you." Follow this with a heartfelt expression of appreciation, like "You've been so important to me." Be specific in your praise, such as "You're one of the funniest people I've ever known" or "What a remarkable parent you've been."

After sharing these obvious sentiments, shift the focus to the person's feelings, asking "How are you doing physically—but also, how are you doing within yourself?" This approach invites open dialogue and allows the individual to express their emotions without feeling rushed to reassure or reassure you.

Dr. Byock also recommends the four things that matter most: forgiveness, being forgiven, gratitude, and love. While it's ideal to use these phrases directly, feel free to put them in your own words. The first two phrases are important as they acknowledge the imperfect nature of relationships. By expressing these sentiments, you can provide a sense of closure and peace in the final moments spent together.