{
  "id": 14735909,
  "title": "How to become a great conversationalist",
  "url": "https://urgent.news/2026/10/15/how-to-become-a-great-conversationalist",
  "topic": "science",
  "section": "Science",
  "published": "2026-10-15T15:44:23.000Z",
  "source": {
    "name": "Big Think",
    "slug": "big-think",
    "url": "https://bigthink.com/mind-behavior/how-to-become-a-great-conversationalist/"
  },
  "original_language": "en",
  "account": "I recently met an actress at a party in London who had just finished a major theater production. She was wonderful at asking insightful questions and made people feel important. However, whenever I asked her a question out of genuine curiosity, she would quickly shift the focus back to herself by saying, \"But enough about me, tell me more about you.\" Initially, I found her helpful and engaging. Yet, as the conversation progressed, I developed a sense of unease. Although she listened attentively, I felt like I was talking to a skilled interviewer rather than engaging in a genuine exchange. By the time I left, I realized that I might have been guilty of the same behavior with others. I had always believed in the importance of listening more and speaking less during conversations. Growing up, I had read self-help books promoting the idea of being a good listener to make others feel important. However, I began to question this notion when I realized that the person I was conversing with was giving me a monologue while I was expected to remain silent and provide my own input. Recent research suggests that there is no inherent trade-off between being liked and being interesting. Contrary to popular advice, \"It is better to be interesting than interesting,\" seems to be misguided. In a 2022 study led by Quinn Hirschi, participants were randomly assigned to talk for varying durations during conversations with strangers. Interestingly, the more people spoke, the more their conversation partners liked them. The key takeaway is that when you talk, you provide the other person with more material to connect with and build a rapport. Another study by Susan Sprecher and her colleagues sheds light on the phenomenon of \"reticence bias.\" When one person dominates the conversation while the other listens, the listener tends to develop a stronger liking for the talker compared to when the roles were reversed. This suggests that the more we share, the closer we feel to the other person, and liking increases as a result. People often underestimate their conversational skills and assume that listening more will make them appear more likable. However, research indicates that most individuals rate themselves above average in their conversational abilities. The comfort derived from actively listening may be a contributing factor to this perception. To strike a balance, great conversationalists should focus on both talking and listening. Engaging in deeper conversations after starting with small talk can create a psychological barrier that leads to a sense of connection and happiness. By sharing something genuine about oneself, the other person is more likely to reciprocate and open up. Additionally, practicing high-quality listening – being empathetic, attentive, and nonjudgmental – can make the other person feel safe and encouraged to share their thoughts and feelings.",
  "summary": "A while back, I was at a party in London where a friend introduced me to an actress who had just been in a big theater production. I was excited to talk with her. Throughout our conversation, she asked brilliant questions, and I enjoyed answering them. She was great at making people feel seen and important. But whenever I asked her something back, with real curiosity about her life, she gave a…",
  "key_points": [],
  "editors_take": null,
  "illustration": null,
  "coverage": {
    "outlets": 1,
    "also_reported_by": []
  },
  "ai_generated": true,
  "disclaimer": "Summaries, key points and the editor’s take are written by software from other outlets’ reporting and may contain errors — always check the linked original."
}