{
  "id": 14469209,
  "title": "The Best Way to Respond to Passive-Aggressive Comments",
  "url": "https://urgent.news/2026/10/14/the-best-way-to-respond-to-passive-aggressive-comments",
  "topic": "culture",
  "section": "Culture",
  "published": "2026-10-14T14:07:29.000Z",
  "source": {
    "name": "Time",
    "slug": "time",
    "url": "https://time.com/article/2026/10/14/how-to-respond-passive-aggressive-comment/"
  },
  "original_language": "en",
  "account": "Have you encountered a colleague who, after leaving work at 5 p.m., inquires \"Going home already?\" in a not-so-kind manner? If so, you may have experienced a passive-aggressive comment. As per Laurie Weingart, a professor of organizational behavior at Carnegie Mellon University who has studied indirect expression of conflict at work, someone is voicing opposition or anger— the aggressive aspect—but doing so in an indirect manner. The phrasing allows for an innocent interpretation, but the tone is anything but. This ambiguity puts you in a tricky position: respond directly to the words said or what you believe the other person intended— or succumb to the urge to counterattack? Experts have advice on how to react when someone seems to be taking a dig at you but fails to express it clearly.\n\nSome individuals opt for passive-aggressive communication because it feels safer. Admitting to feeling a certain way may call for vulnerability, which isn't required when making a sarcastic remark. \"Some people haven't learned how to say or don't feel comfortable saying, 'I'm hurt. You hurt my feelings,'\" says Melissa Gluck, a psychologist based in New York City. Growing up around those who rarely said what they meant may make the indirect approach feel normal. In romantic relationships, people may resort to indirect expression due to uncertainty about their partner's level of care. They express displeasure indirectly, then wait to see if their partner notices and seeks to understand what's wrong. Ultimately, the motivation behind the comment may not alleviate the discomfort of hearing it. It can leave you questioning whether you've been insulted—and how to respond to an accusation that wasn't explicitly made. Weingart advises responding more directly and less intensely than the comment you just heard. You can begin by inviting the other person to be direct. If someone says, \"Must be nice to have that much free time,\" Brook McKenzie, a licensed chemical dependency counselor in Dallas who aids families in managing indirect communication and resentment, recommends responding: \"I'm not sure how you meant that. Can you say it another way?\" Alternatively, you could say, \"It sounds like there might be something you want to say to me directly. Is there?\" The question should be an invitation, not an accusation. Rather than asking, \"Why are you being so passive-aggressive?\" you risk arguing about their tone rather than the actual issue. Retaliating with sarcasm often leads to the same problem, with two people feeling annoyed instead of addressing the root cause. If you are particularly close to the person, Gluck suggests a gentle opening: \"I feel like something's off. Do you want to talk about it?\" This allows them to address the issue without expecting you to guess. If they insist everything is fine, you can accept their word for it at that time. If you believe there's a reason beneath the comment, acknowledging it is helpful. For instance, if your partner remarks on your time spent with friends, Baker suggests reassurance and a proposed plan: \"I'm going out tonight, but I'd really like to have dinner with you tomorrow.\" You don't need to cancel your plans to express your care. At work, clarity tends to be more effective than discussing feelings. If your boss asks, \"Leaving already?\" when your workday is over, Weingart recommends asking, \"Is there something else you need me to do before I leave?\" A coworker's jab may warrant an even simpler response: \"Yep, the workday's over. Have a great weekend.\" Either response avoids assumptions about the other person's intentions. Sometimes, the best response is no response. If a friend makes an out-of-character comment on a challenging day, Gluck suggests letting it pass. If it continues, that's a different discussion altogether. When someone consistently uses passive-aggressive comments, a more direct approach is warranted. If a friend frequently jokes that you never make time for them, Gluck recommends directly addressing both the observation and the impact: \"This isn't the first time you've made that comment. It's starting to hurt my feelings, and I'd like to understand if something's bothering you.\" Similar patterns can appear in family dynamics. If your mother criticizes you in front of relatives and replies, \"I guess I'm just a bad mom,\" Gluck suggests countering, \"That's not what I said. I was trying to express how I feel, and it hurts when you attribute those words to me.\" This brings the conversation back to your original statement, rather than turning it into a debate about your mother's parenting skills. If they insist they were just joking, Weingart recommends separating their intention from the impact: \"You may not have meant it to be hurtful, but that's how it sounded to me.\" It's not necessary to prove what was on their mind to explain what happened from your perspective. You can also be clear about your willingness to engage in future discussions. Borrowing McKenzie's go-to line for repeated comments, you might say, \"I'm willing to have difficult conversations with you. However, I'm not willing to keep guessing what you mean.\"",
  "summary": "Be more direct—and less intense—than they were.",
  "key_points": [],
  "editors_take": null,
  "illustration": null,
  "coverage": {
    "outlets": 1,
    "also_reported_by": []
  },
  "ai_generated": true,
  "disclaimer": "Summaries, key points and the editor’s take are written by software from other outlets’ reporting and may contain errors — always check the linked original."
}